passenger from h-e-double hockey sticks

Captian’s Log…
Ok so today started out good. Got downstairs just on time, got to the airport, and then my day turned ugly. Kansas city airport is a cluster f*** of a place. The security line makes Phoenix’s look well structured and empty. So we pushed our way past people by cutting, that doesn't make them very happy, but we have too!
Well we finally get on the plane to start our shift for the day, as soon as we put our bags up the people start coming down (boarding) so I have to dash to the middle of the plane and stand. Its my least favorite spot on the whole airplane because the business people are so rude, and they tend to think sitting in the exit row is “their first class” it’s not, and it will never be. Oh, but it has all the leg room, ok buddy, you are like what 5’5”. Or you get the really old couple and they bitch and complain because someone is saving seats, and it's not fair. So they tell me, like a child running to their mother, to punish them. My response is always, a shoulder shrug. Ha. Mind you this happens every flight, and I mean every flight.

So I guess the gossip during boarding was this guy who paid the extra 20 bucks (it’s a promotion southwest offers to business people so they get priority boarding), to board first. He picks the front row, then a lady with a infant boards and sits right next to him. The man gets up throws a fit and walks to the back of the airplane and starts complaining that he shouldn’t of had to move, and that he sat next to a crying baby on the way out here. He is really pissed cause now he is in the back row, and the seat doesn’t recline. I offer him another aisle seat that reclines and he starts all over again like a broken record.

Oh guess what it’s not over yet… The flight attendant in the back in the middle of our service (giving drinks and snacks) gets into a discussion with this guy. Its kind of loud so of course I go in for back up. This cuckoo bird wants priority on his drink! He wants it first, and we should give him the first drink because he was convenienced. Oh and of course he wants it free. My motto, even though I didn’t coin it, is “give ‘em an inch and they will take a mile.” So we decided to make him pay for his drink because he was such an ass.

Mind you this flight is only 3 hours long, and I have another situation on my hands. Some people, meaning “first class” people brought their own liquor aboard! WOW two grown men cant pay for a $5 drink. I mean if you bring it, because you cannot afford it, then don’t let me see it. So of course I see the bottle of grey goose. “Hey you know that you can’t bring your liquor aboard.” The man response, “They let us bring it on.” Who the heck is “they” ? “They” meaning southwest people or “They” meaning TSA where if you have 3oz or less in a quart size zip lock bag you can bring whatever the hell you want. “Yah, Yah them”, well it’s not allowed it’s against our liquor licenses’. Then he says, “Well I guess you are going to have to spank me!” Hello asshole, never in my life would I want to put my hand on your butt. Secondly, is that harassment? “No, I will not do that, sir.” If this is getting boring, then quite while you are ahead, if you seriously are enjoying this please read on…

Back to the man who gets mad a the lady with the baby. He is acting up again, maybe its because he had three glasses of wine. As the plane lands he starts swearing up a storm and asks if "that little bitch is off the plane yet". Mind you we are continuing on to San Francisco, but we have to stop in San Diego first. Well this man is relentless. He then proceeds to tell us that his cousin is the CFO of Southwest Airlines, and we should be scared for our jobs. Hello, we are union, I would really like to see that happen. They flight attendant up front says, "I seriously doubt that because our CFO would never have lunch with someone thats as rude as you." He didnt like that comment.

So we had to get a supervisor to kick him off the plane. She came in to listen to this jerk. He had no leg to stand on. He said that he flew 162 flights since 2008. "Hey buddy, its 2010 and that ain't shit." Just kidding we didnt say that. He said that we should have kicked that lady out of her seat because he paid more money than she did. After about 20 minutes, the customer service lady, couldnt kick him off for being an a-hole. So we were stuck with him for another hour and a half. If it were up to me he would have been walking to San Francisco from San Diego.

No fun!

The basics of inflight 101

Hello everyone.

First off I just got a new computer, secondly I have decided to create a blog because quite frankly my life is not exciting and I want to include you in my boredom. Hopefully this will give my family and friends some insight of my job, and my poor grammatical skills. (Phyllis please don't judge me)

So this blog is about Flight Attendants 101

(This is something I probably should have done a long time ago)

Vocabulary

1. "Trips"- as in trips per pay. Trips is the word we use to describe how many hours a three day block of flying is worth. Most trips pay 19.50 trips and go up to 26 trips. Even though We get paid that much we work a lot more that goes unpaid. Like for an example this trip I am on now, I get paid 24.20 trips in three days, but I actually have worked 30 hours from check in to check out over three days. Does that make sense? So I work 30 hours in three days and get paid for 24.20.

2. "Block"- block means a block of three days. So we say I have a three day block starting Saturday. So in the Flight attendant (F/A) world we know that that person that has a three day block on Saturday wont get home til Monday sometime.

3. "Deadhead"- This one is the one that most people use and don't understand. A deadhead means the company is paying a flight attendant to get to another city to work. They only do this if they really need you somewhere. As a deadhead you are not working the flight but are still in uniform sitting in a normal passenger seat (playing, listening to music, or reading) All though we are not working the flight we are still required to help clean, do peanuts and offer any help on on board emergencies.

4. "Commuting"- This is where I have to get on a flight, mainly from San Diego to phoenix, in order to work my trip. This is not paid at all. It is my choice to live in a different city then I am based (more on "based" later). So I have to jump on a plane stand by, hope there is an open seat and fly to phoenix unpaid in order to work. No seats, means no work, means Nicole is in big trouble.

5. "Based"- means the area in which you work out of primarily. Southwest has several bases, Oakland, Las Vegas, Phoenix, Houston, Dallas, Chicago, Baltimore, and Orlando. A base is just a place where flight attendants have to start and end their trip. So I am based in Phoenix, I have to start my trip in Phoenix and end my trip in Phoenix. (Sidebar: we can change bases any time we like, but there is a waiting list to get into cities.)

6."Trade"- this one I am telling you about because I talk about it sometimes and I get a weird look. Trading is where we can trade trips with other F/A's on a message board forum, which the company provides for us. Basically its a big bulletin board with people asking for days off and trading around to work with their schedules. So when I am saying I will try and trade my trip it means I have to look and see if someone else wants to trade and hope we can make a deal. (Sometimes its for passes like Christmas, sometimes its for money, and sometimes a trade for a trade. I like to think of it as the New York stock exchange, everyone is wheeling and dealing and you gotta be quick or you will lose.)

7. "Overnight"- this is where I stay the night away from home. It can be any place Southwest flies (never in a base) and I refer to the time I have at each place in hours. So I have 13 hours in Kansas City. Which means in that 13 hours, I have to leave the airport, check in at the hotel, get to my room, change shower, sleep, maybe workout. Sometimes and most often its really short and I don't get very much time other than to sleep.

8. "Crew"- the people I fly with for three days. There are 2 other F/A's not including me. A common misconception is that Pilots fly all three days with, but they travel in pairs and interchange throughout the days. Yesterday I had three sets of pilots, and today when I go downstairs to work we will have another set.

9."legs"- its what we call flights. So i could have anywhere from 1 flight to 6 flights a day. We just say "we have 4 legs today", and my coworkers know I have 4 flights to do that day.

ok... are you still with me? I hope so because I kinda like this blog thing.

So lets fast forward to right now...

I am in my room in Kansas City, MO. Staying at a Marriott, very good beds (Sidebar, F/A's rate the hotels by beds, a little weird I know) So we were over an hour and a half late got in a midnight thirty. Got to my room, had a Skype date with Tyler and went to bed. This morning I was awaken by the maid cleaning the room next door (not a shocker, it happens all the time.) I got up talked to Tyler on his way to work, made a cup of coffee, and am writing to all of you. I have about 40 minutes until I have to shower, get on the monkey uniform and head downstairs to meet my crew.

I guess the reason I decided on a blog, is because most people feel I am not around anymore. I am around, I am just working. Most of you have a 9-5 job, where you get to come home every night, even when you work over-time, for me I am gone for three days at a time. When I work over-time, that means another three days on top of my existing three days, making it a total of six days gone. I am not trying to make it sound like I don't like my job, because I really do. I just have to stick it out here as the Jr person for a couple more years and then I wont have to work so hard. I am sure you all understand that.

So this trip has been fun. My crew is really cool. Two woman (shocking), One older and one younger. The older one lives in phoenix and has a daughter who is also a flight attendant here at southwest. (That is very common) and the younger one lives in Montana, and "commutes" to work every week to phoenix. (Its really hard to commute from Montana since Southwest does not fly there.) So she told me she has to use Alliegent, Delta, or Sky west in order to get to Salt Lake City, and then jump on a southwest plane to get to phoenix. Sounds like a long day!

Anywho, today I have 4 legs today, I go from Kansas City to San Diego (wish I could just jump off), then to San Francisco, then to Los Angeles, then Phoenix. I land around 9:50pm, but I still have to ride the airport bus to the parking garage and sometimes it takes awhile, so I probably wont be able to get home for 30 more minutes.

So what do you think... Is this a good idea...Is this something you might be interested in reading, just so you can see whats up with me? I mean this post is pretty lame but I had to get all vocab words and "housekeeping" stuff out of the way, before we can have some real fun. Oh by real fun I mean... I met Carlton from the Fresh Prince of Bell-Air. He as on my flight. Knew it right when he walked in. Oh and yesterday we had the trainers from Sea World on our flight, and I asked when they were going to get back in the water! They said they are still investigating the accident, but its kinda hard to find a third party to investigate since they are the experts on sea life. Very very true.

Love you all cannot wait to get home and enjoy some relaxation away from the giant tube! (aka the airplane)